Disclaimer: First off, this blog will start off with a rant based on my experiences. Secondly, I HATE to generalize! I’m usually the person who says, “No, not all men are like that.” And then of course to my male friends, I say, “No, not all women are like that…”Because let’s face it, even psychologists have a hard time figuring everything out and as a rule, they rarely ever use the word “proof” when it comes to new psychological findings. However, I have come to understand when people say, “All men are this…” or “All women are this…” it’s usually based on their experiences with the women/men they know.
Ok, so in my experiences I have learned that some men love the chase. Once they have you, however, they’re ready for something new. Quite frankly…fine! So that gives me the right to move on…but no, once they see you with another man, they want you again. Or…they have been sleeping around with other women, but once they find out that you’re sleeping with even just ONE other man, they freak out and suddenly YOU’RE the slut! Can someone say…hypocrite?
Going back to, loving the chase…there’s still the unfortunate ‘rule’ of, “She says no…but she really means yes.” Some women like to play games, and some women like to manipulate…I tell men straight away, that I HATE games. If I like you, then I like you. Simple. But I’m very aware of situations…I’m good at deciphering my own emotions, without having people telling me how I feel, thank you very much! I’m good at knowing if a man is just a one-night-stand, a fling, or relationship-potential. However, just because a man is good for a fling does not mean that I don’t care. I do. But it also doesn’t mean that I need to be in a committed relationship with you. If I say, “I like you”…it means JUST THAT. No, I don’t want a relationship with you…No, I don’t want to marry you and have your babies….but I do enjoy your company!
Another thing is when we do have history, and we decided to end whatever sort of ‘arrangement’ we’ve had, then it’s finished! Especially if I keep saying, “No, I don’t want you anymore. I don’t see you that way anymore, but let’s be friends.” Damn it, I mean what I say!!! It’s your own fault if I happen to be at the same party you’re at and you think that I’m there because I wanna hook up with you again. Guess what? I’m at the party because it happens to be a cool party and we have mutual friends! Yes, I do like you and care for you, but it doesn’t mean that I need to revive our sexual history in order to show you that I (still) care! Ever heard of, “The simplest explanation is usually the right one”? It applies.
But I guess, I can understand. See, I like people. I’m a hippie. I HATE superficiality, and I love easily…
Which leads to the next point…
Sadly, I think people have a warped idea about what love is. When we think of the word, “Love”, we only associate it with romantic love in marriage and long-term relationships. “True love” and finding “the one” usually comes to mind. But what about love for your family? What about love for your friends? What about love for your pet? What about love for what you do? Why are we limiting love to just finding “the one” (if there is such a thing?). If people just keep thinking like this, it’s no wonder we’re all miserable. Why is your love for your friends, family, your work and yourself any less powerful than love for a romantic partner? And why can’t loving relationship last for just two weeks rather than “forever and ever…”?
Another experience I’ve had is that when I am with someone, then my love should be reserved just for that one person. Hence, all the jealousy and possesiveness…and not just for other men, but friends and family as well. My love is not reserved for just one person…
There’s 7 billion people in the world…a lot of whom deserve love! (We can get into another debate about murderers, rapists, etc…but that’s another topic…) And there’s so many different kinds of love and so many different ways to show your love…one type of love isn’t necessarily stronger than the other.
Just a few examples…if you see a lost child crying for his mother or father, and you decide to help that child…is that not an act of love? If you decide that you’d rather work in a low-paid job because you’d rather help drug addicts, abused women, etc…is that not an act of love?
I think nowadays, and maybe because I’m usually around actors and entertainers (we’re quite egocentric), people are more obsessed with BEING LOVED rather than to just simply…love! How can you expect to be loved if you’re too scared or too proud to love? Just to be fair to the men, I think it’s mainly women who are guilty of this…or, at least in my observation. When they have an affair that ends after two weeks, or they’ve just had a one-night-stand and come crying to me saying, “Why doesn’t anybody love me?”
My response is usually, “…I love you…..”Doesn’t that count?
Then they’re response is usually, “Yes, but it’s not the same!”
Why isn’t it?
Then there’s women who keep dating men they don’t even like because they want to feel desired or wanted. They keep reading signs, trying to ‘decode’ what a man is saying with his body, even if he keeps saying, “I don’t want a relationship/I’m not the commitment type”, but there’s still an element of hope that he will commit to her even if…she doesn’t actually love him herself!!!
It’s a cliche, but it’s usually true…it seems that men and women usually do speak a different language. It’s also a stereotype that women overanalyze things and read too much into things…but, men do too. Just with different thought processes. Basically what I’m saying is…just know what you’re getting yourselves into. Listen to each other. Communicate to each other. TRUST each other too. Also, even if you don’t fall in love with each other, you can still love each other!
Yes, when you’re vulnerable and open, you WILL risk getting hurt. But here is the harsh truth: all sorts of relationships come to an end…something will tear it apart…if not a fight, infidelity, lack of communication and things in common, realising you’re not in love with each other… DEATH will tear you apart…
But that’s a risk you’re just gonna have to take. Pain is inevitable, there is never a way to avoid it. Ever. Remember Nietzche’s quote, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger?” That doesn’t mean turn into an emotionless cold human being, but rather, to just learn from your experiences and be aware of what you’re doing and what the people around you are doing. And yes, if you didn’t die from the pain, you WILL heal…your psyche and your body has a way of healing itself over time. So enjoy life, and try not to be so scared of pain…you’ll miss out on so many wonderful adventures. I’ve suffered from many broken hearts (not just from romantic affairs, but from friends and family as well…) and I still manage to find a way back to happiness. I try to enter a new affair/relationship with new eyes without letting the past affect me! If you’re constantly scared of emotions, of being hurt, of being vulnerable, of hurting another person, of being hated, of having your ego bruised…you end up making situations a lot more dramatic than they actually are! You stop listening to the other person, and you stop being aware of what the situation is because you’re so wrapped up in your own fear and panic…which ironically, leads to exactly what you are scared of or trying to avoid.
At the same time, maybe the problem is me. Maybe I am too nice and too idealistic. My idealism and expectations of people, me trying to believe the best and the good in people, expecting them to be really honest…results in me being heavily disappointed. It’s usually my experience that men keep chasing me, but then with the slightest sign with me caring…they start to get scared, and start to withdraw. Yes, I CARE! Why is that such a problem? Shouldn’t I care? Would you rather I be a bitch to you?
I have been told that I’m too nice so many times. I’m aware of that, and I’m learning to toughen up a little bit to keep creepy, manipulative people at bay. But, for the people I like and care about, I don’t want to edit myself. I don’t want to change. I like doing nice things for nice people. I like displaying little actions of love. I also like being honest, and would appreciate if you did the same! If I have a problem with something you’ve done/said, I have no problem letting you know it. That isn’t to say that I’m attacking you, or wanting more from you, I’m just letting you know how I feel! Again, the slightest sign of emotions, people usually run for the hills. But I also expect you to be honest with me! If you have a problem, then tell me! There’s no need to be so scared, because that just ultimately makes things a lot worst and a lot more confusing! These “problems” are not matters of life and death!
I’m so scared that people in this society don’t really love anymore. That love is a thing we say we want/need so that we can feel good about ourselves, help get rid of any insecurities we have about ourselves, as a reassurance that we are attractive or whatever…Love is something we use/manipulate, in so many ways, for our ego trips…I guess it ties with the rise of capitalism and how it’s been affecting the modern human psyche.
This ties in to what I’ve posted two years ago…“Why I Don’t Believe in Love at First Sight.”